


therefore i conclude

by constant



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, felix the hero, hyunjin has a diary lmao, hyunjin whipped, ik it's not christmas yet but christmas setting!, pov change at the end lmao, pure fluff bc seungjin cute : (, seungjin BFFs FOREVER, seungjin bestfriends!, seungjin soulmates!, seungjin superior, seungmin whipped?, this is a whole mess, which he SWEARS isnt a diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 23:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19413310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/constant
Summary: Entry 1:just to be clear, this isn’t a diary. apparently my mind has overflowed with thoughts and I’m making this notebook as an extra storage for all that shit. i feel like if I write my thoughts down it would help me put them all in order.In which hyunjinfucking finallyarrived at the most reasonable conclusion: that he is, indeed, in love with his best friend, and it really took a whole Lee Felix for him to find out. Oh, and a Christmas tree.





	therefore i conclude

**Author's Note:**

> is it christmas yet

**(seungmin) 5:45pm**

**_will you help me put up this christmas tree?_ **

Seriously.

As if Hyunjin doesn’t have enough of these thoughts to deal with, Seungmin pops in and asks him to help him put up a freaking Christmas tree.

Hyunjin had been going through _weeks_ trying to figure out why it irritates him so much every time Seungmin brushes up his hair. Or that one time when the said boy had a haircut and Hyunjin couldn’t seem to point out why it was bothering him. Or why Seungmin's smiles disgusts him. Why Seungmin had been more annoying than he normally was these past few days. And why he can’t seem to get Seungmin off his damn mind even when he's not around.

 _Especially_ when he's not around.

 ** _(_ ****hyunjin** **_)_** **5:45pm**

**_since when do you celebrate christmas?_ **

****

**(seungmin) 5:46pm**

**_hyunjin, i've been a catholic since the day i was baptized._ **

**(hyunjin) 5:46pm**

**_no shit sherlock._ **

****

**(seungmin) 5:46pm**

**_pleaseeeee?_ **

Hyunjin blinks at his phone screen, the last message appearing to be pleading at him in Seungmin’s nasal tone. Just thinking about Seungmin begging for him to help sends this certain lurch in his chest, a strange feeling Hyunjin couldn’t even deny to himself anymore since he’s been getting them a lot these past few weeks.

He thinks about what it would be like to put up a Christmas tree with Seungmin. Knowing his friend, it wouldn't be as easy. He can already picture it - Seungmin taking a lot of time trying to figure out which part of the tree connects with which, and when Hyunjin would try to tell him that it's done this way, Seungmin wouldn’t agree and would go with whatever _he_ believes how the tree is assembled. Hyunjin could be hanging up some Christmas balls and Seungmin would eventually take them away, saying something like ‘the color doesn’t really complement the rest of the décor’ or something like that. Seungmin and Hyunjin, despite being best friends, argue a lot in these kind of situations. 

Just imagining all those makes Hyunjin want to pull all of his hair out in frustration.

**(hyunjin) 5:51pm**

**_i cant_ **

Hyunjin regrets sending the message as soon as he hit send. He starts to wonder if he was being too straightforward, not even taking into consideration about what Seungmin might feel with his upfront rejection. 

**(seungmin) 5:52pm**

**_ok then i guess i'll just ask felix_ **

And he’s taking it pretty well apparently.

_Felix_. Lee Felix.

Although Hyunjin couldn’t help but notice that Seungmin runs off to option no. 2, aka Lee Felix, every time Hyunjin says 'no' to whatever Seungmin requests, he doesn’t find Felix as a threat to their unfaltering friendship.

Besides, the two are not even as close as Seungmin and Hyunjin are. Compared to Seungmin and Hyunjin who are bona fide best friends who sees one another every day and manages to put up with each other despite the reciprocal annoyance between them 90 % of the time they are together, Felix and Seungmin are only drama club buddies.

And choir buddies.

And karaoke buddies, and poetry buddies, and drinking buddies and _blah bla bla blah blahhdj FUCK!!_

Now that Hyunjin thinks about it, Felix and Seungmin do have a lot in common. Probably more than he and Seungmin have. The only advantage Hyunjin has is that he met Seungmin first and had been with him the longest.

Hyunjin imagines Felix and Seungmin putting up the stupid tree together. Seungmin taking a lot of time trying to figure out which part of the tree connects with which. And when Felix tries to tell him it's done this way, Seungmin WOULD AGREE and they'd help each other with their arms brushing against each other and everything. Felix could be hanging up some christmas balls and Seungmin would say that they look nice with the rest of the decor that Seungmin just put EVEN THOUGH IT ACTUALLY DOESN’T. And god, what if they have a mistletoe lying around and that mf Felix hangs it up just so he can-

**(hyunjin) 6:01pm**

**_Seungmin, do u perhaps have a mistletoe??_ **

****

**(seungmin) 6:01pm**

**_A what?_ **

Hyunjin groans into his pillow and wills himself to stop thinking. He convinces himself that it's okay. It's okay. There is nothing to worry about. Except for the raging emotions rising up in his chest, everything else is brilliant.

Hyunjin suddenly sits up when he feels the need to pour all the thoughts (and feelings) threatening to spill out of him into _the notebook_.

That’s what Hyunjin likes to call it. The notebook. Even though anyone laying eyes on it for the first time can immediately tell it’s a diary.

Writing your thoughts down on a daily basis? Diary. Listing down all the things that bothered you and why you can’t seem to get this one guy off your mind? Diary. Trying to figure out your feelings by writing it all down? A fucking diary.

But Hyunjin tells himself that he is a 20 year old man, and 20 year old men DO NOT write in diaries.

And so went his first entry:

**_Entry 1:_ **

_just to be clear, this isn’t a diary. apparently my mind has overflowed with thoughts and I’m making this notebook as an extra storage for all that shit. i feel like if I write my thoughts down it would help me put them all in order._

He grabs for the notebook then flips through the pages, convincing himself that maybe things will make much more sense after he writes everything down in his own handwriting.

He stops at this page where he had written down one of Seungmin’s self-written poems. 

The first time Hyunjin read it, the poem had sent him feelings that lingered way too long for his own liking. It was no doubt his favorite out of all Seungmin’s poems, despite it being short compared to the rest of what Seungmin has written.

But that wasn’t why Hyunjin wrote it down.

The lingering feelings were more than just feelings. They were thoughts that bothered him for several days, trying to figure out how Seungmin, his innocent yet evil (at the same time) best friend has even thought of something so _sentimental_ and _romantic_.

Hyunjin reads the poem again:

**_Entry 2:_ **

_person, love_

_you are my love_

_so be my person_

He keeps staring down at it, the words making less and less sense to him the longer he gazes at them. At the bottom of the poem, Hyunjin wrote a question addressed to no one in particular, but it was the type of question that he wants to shout at the edge of a cliff, wanting for the whole world to hear, in hopes someone at the other side of the globe would casually come up to him and give him an answer.

**_Entry 2 (cont.)_ **

_is seungmin in love?_

The next page has only one sentence in it, and it isn’t even a question but Hyunjin still feels the need to dig up for an answer somewhere.

**_Entry 3:_ **

_seungmin is not talking to me today and i don’t know why_

Hyunjin remembers flooding Seungmin with text messages that day. He remembers waiting for Seungmin at the cafeteria, leaving his meal untouched before Seungmin arrives, only ending up with a dry reply that Seungmin was skipping lunch for a lab report they had to finish.

Later that same day, Hyunjin tried to get Seungmin to tell him about his favorite anime series, to which Seungmin replied with, “I’m not in the mood for anime today, Hyunjin.”

And that’s such a big fat lie because Seungmin is always into anime.

Hyunjin, for most of the day, couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. He decided then that he doesn't like this version of Seungmin at all- this closed-off, unsmiling Kim Seungmin, who rejected Hyunjin's offer of treating him to ice cream. 

Seungmin never looked him in the eye that day. Hyunjin never asked him what's wrong, nor did Seungmin ever told him anything about it. And up until now, Hyunjin still has no idea why.

**_Entry 4:_ **

_today's mission is to make seungmin smile_

Hyunjin had written this a day after that previous entry. He had written it down first thing after waking up in the morning, and Hyunjin was more than determined to put Seungmin's smile back on his face.

It's funny how he only started to complain about how Seungmin’s laughter bothers him for some reason, but misses it almost immediately after being deprived of it for only a day.

Hyunjin did almost everything. He cracked lame jokes. He made faces. He tried to tell an embarrassing moment he had gone through when he was 13. He showed Seungmin memes and vines and funny videos - literally anything you can think of.

Seungmin did crack some smiles here and there, but it wasn’t the type of smile that Hyunjin was aiming for. It just wasn’t enough.

Hyunjin thought he had lost all hope when Seungmin suddenly walked out on him at the café when Hyunjin didn’t seem to have any plan on stopping from his lame jokes. (Seungmin wasn't having any of it, apparently.)

It is only obvious that Hyunjin had to run after him, and it had gone quite smoothly, only until Hyunjin had tripped on his own feet and fell facedown on the ground.

It was Hyunjin’s moment of victory, because when he looked up, Seungmin was already laughing, eyes wrinkling and mouth stretching in the accustomed grin that Hyunjin has always adored. 

And though dropping on the ground facedown was supposed to hurt, at that moment, it actually made Hyunjin feel really _really_ good. And if all that would take Seungmin to light up just like he did, Hyunjin is willing to fall again and again and again.

**_Entry 5:_ **

_seungmin went to felix's place today. maybe his poems are for him_

Hyunjin does not even understand why he had this written down. Every time he gets to this page, it just keeps reminding him about that day he doesn’t even want to think about. Without having second thoughts, he rips the page off from the notebook.

**_Entry 6:_ **

_yang jeongin followed seungmin on instagram_

Yang Jeongin is this adorable Engineering junior who is also Hyunjin and Seungmin's _"shared"_ crush. They fight over him most of the time, always trying to get the other one envious about the fact that Jeongin has _glanced_ at one of them today.

It's just a silly crush. Neither of them even know Jeongin personally. Then again, Hyunjin asks, why? Why is he letting these kind of petty things even bother him?

Hyunjin had felt Seungmin’s shrill excitement through that one text message alone.

**(seungmin) 10:12am**

**_HYUNJIN!! JFFJKL OMG YANG JEONGIN JUST FOLLOWED ME ON IG????_ **

And for some reason he couldn’t explain, Hyunjin had typed in a reply in a fit of pique.

**(hyunjin) 10:15am**

**_he followed me too u aint special_ **

Hyunjin didn’t just say that to make the both of them even. Jeongin really _did_ follow him too, and though it sent his heart soaring for a flicker of a moment, Hyunjin just doesn’t understand why Seungmin has to make such a big deal out of it.

**_Entry 6 (cont.)_ **

_i like jeongin,, but_

Hyunjin had left the sentence just like that, hanging. He did it on purpose, and he isn’t planning to finish it off anytime soon.

Hyunjin reaches a blank page, and finally writes down the one thing that triggered him to pick up this damn notebook today.

**_Entry 8:_ **

_seungmin asked me to help him put up a christmas tree_

The whole phrase looks nonsensical written in that way. So Hyunjin decides to add some more words just so he can look back at this someday and realize that there was more to the story than just the christmas tree. He was starting with _fucking felix_ , when he notices that he had skipped a page and missed this one entry that had actually dealt him more confusion than all of the rest of the entries combined.

**_Entry 7:_ **

_seungmin asked me something today_

Hyunjin remembers that day vividly as if it was only yesterday. Seungmin does that sometimes - asking random questions out of the blue. They can be in a middle of a meal, or watching tv, or in the bus on the way home, sometimes even in the middle of a serious conversation. That time, though, it was the other way around. Hyunjin was just recovering from his fits of laughter from something Seungmin just said when the latter suddenly blurted out the question.

"Hyunjin, what do you think is the difference between love and being _in love_?"

Hyunjin stared at Seungmin dead in the eye to check if he was joking. The sudden question undoubtedly had caught him off guard but Seungmin's deadpan expression was dealing him worse.

Hyunjin fidgeted in his seat as he tried to decide whether a joking answer would be better than a serious one. He went with the former, to which he had wished almost immediately to take back because the way Seungmin reacted to his response indicated that he was actually expecting a more formal reply.

Now, Hyunjin tries if he can come up with a better answer than the half-assed one he gave Seungmin before.

“Love.” He speaks out loud into the air, tasting the word in his mouth. “Love is…”

Hyunjin feels his brows knitting as he tries to think. While Seungmin has always been a man with depth, Hyunjin on the other hand, is always just floating above the surface.

Love is love. Being in love is still love. They’re basically the same thing.

Aren’t they?

Hyunjin grunts in frustration because as much as he wills his mind to cooperate and work with him right now, it is instead wandering off to other things.

Things like Seungmin. And Seungmin’s smile. And Seungmin’s eyes. And Seungmin’s hair. And the next thing he knows, he is back to thinking about why it irritates him every time Seungmin brushes up his hair. Or why Seungmin’s smiles disgusts him. Or why Seungmin had been more annoying than he normally was these past few days. And why he can’t seem to get Seungmin off his mind. And why he can’t seem to calm his ass with the thought of Felix kissing Seungmin under a stupid mistletoe.

Hyunjin sits on his bed, his eyes losing focus as he stares at an empty space. It didn’t click all at once like how it does to most people. Every thought came to him like the little bastards actually planned to queue up and punch him in the gut one by one with the same obvious conclusion.

Maybe it’s just that. 

He is fucked, plain and simple.

And it took him almost a month, several diary entries, a whole Lee Felix and one Christmas tree to figure it all out.

"Shit." Hyunjin cries as it somehow just dawns on him that everything he imagined with Seungmin and Felix putting up the Christmas tree together will definitely happen if he doesn’t act on it now.

And he doesn’t want that. Not in this Christmas. Or the next year’s. Or the following years, if Hyunjin is to be honest. 

He feels his heart hammering quite obnoxiously in his chest as he scrambles around for his phone. The feeling wasn’t at all unfamiliar, and Hyunjin knows he has to get used to it by now, because he was sure as hell was going to get a lot of those from now on.

Hyunjin exhales a deep breath of air as he finally hits send. 

**(hyunjin) 7:04pm**

**_can i still help you with that christmas tree?_ **

**_*_ **

**_Entry 9:_ **

_we put the whole tree up in silence and the whole time i think i was gonna die_

_since when did seungmin and i become this awkward????_

****

Hyunjin is ready to head back home and write those same words down in his notebook.

He believes it has been approximately thirty minutes since he arrived in Seungmin’s apartment. He can say things had gone pretty well thus far, except it hadn’t. Everything actually went _okay_ , but not perfect. Or not as Hyunjin expected it to be, because all of a sudden, nothing is the same as it was anymore.

Suddenly, the silence is deafening. The subtle smiles are awkward. The slight brushing of their shoulders are a big deal. They were more than enough to drive Hyunjin a little crazy.

They stood at either side of the christmas tree, hanging up some ornaments from a big box that is placed between them. Sometimes they’d reach inside the box at the same time and they’d look at each other and exchange goofy yet uneasy smiles. Sometimes Seungmin would hum some classic melody Hyunjin only partly recognizes. Sometimes Hyunjin would tilt his head a little away from the tree, taking a peek to look at Seungmin. And sometimes, Seungmin could feel the stare boring into him, and he would look up, only to make Hyunjin turn away. Sometimes Seungmin pretends he doesn’t notice the other staring, and just lets him be.

They haven’t really talked about anything. And that's fine, because silence with Seungmin had always been comfortable. But why is Hyunjin suddenly feeling so weird about it now?

Hyunjin is trying to figure out the whole time why he can’t seem to pick up a casual conversation with Seungmin, and why Seungmin isn’t trying to initiate one as well.

Actually, Seungmin _has_. Seungmin teased him as soon as he opened the door for him, telling him that he changes his mind just as much as Seungmin’s mom does when she tries to decide on an outfit. Seungmin had asked him about his plan for Christmas. Seungmin had asked him if he watched the new anime episode they were both watching. And Hyunjin had half-heartedly responded to everything, making it obvious that there is something lurking in his mind (and heart) that he keeps letting them bother him.

In other words, they aren’t becoming awkward.

It's all just Hyunjin.

Hyunjin snaps out of his trance when Seungmin suddenly pops his head out from the other side of the tree. Seungmin catches Hyunjin's startled expression and laughs. The sound of Seungmin ‘s chuckles warms the entire room, and as Hyunjin feels the smile creeping on his face as well, he realizes that there's also this other thing - something inside him - that has also been filled with warmth.

"Can you hand me that box over there?"

Hyunjin follows to where Seungmin points and spots a box from across the room. It contains more ornaments and untangled Christmas lights. Tons of Christmas lights. 

Hyunjin lifts the box up and makes his way back to Seungmin when he suddenly spots something at the bottom of the tree that makes him stop on his tracks.

Before Hyunjin can even fully recognize what it is, a knock comes on the front door, making both Hyunjin and Seungmin freeze on their spots as they stare at the door expectantly. The doorknob turns a few times, as if whoever is at the other side is only learning how to use it. And when the door finally swings open and a shivering Lee Felix blinks at them holding two cups of takeaway coffee in each hand, Hyunjin turns to look at Seungmin, waiting for an explanation.

"Uhh.." Felix starts, glancing from Seungmin to Hyunjin and then back at Seungmin again.

Hyunjin catches Seungmin mouthing indecipherable words to the man by the doorway, and Hyunjin pretends not to see as he bends over to put down the box he’s still holding.

"Aren’t you going to ask your friend to come in?" Hyunjin mumbles towards Seungmin, when he notices that the two seem to have no plan on quitting their little game of _exchange-of-meaningful-looks-and-leave-Hyunjin_ \- _out-of-it._

That irks Hyunjin a little bit, he isn’t even going to deny it.

"Actually I - I just - I'm just dropping these off," Felix stammers as he raises both cups, "Seungmin asked me to drop these off. I was on my way anyway."

Normally, you would have to get closer to a person to be able to know when they’re lying, but in this case, Hyunjin realizes that there’s no need for him to get to know Felix to be able to guess that the guy is lying. That’s how bad of a liar he is. 

Felix sets the cups on the shelf where Seungmin places his keys. Hyunjin doesn’t even realize that he had been staring the whole time because Felix flinches the moment their eyes met.

"I’m not staying!" Felix quickly adds, waving his hands to emphasize his statement.

From behind him, Hyunjin hears Seungmin let out an exasperated sigh. Hyunjin doesn’t know what it’s supposed to mean, but he translates it as a sigh of wanting Felix to just stay.

Hyunjin starts, "It's okay, you can stay-"

"I’ll get going now. See you guys!" Felix interrupts in a much louder voice as he makes his way out the door. Before any of them can even protest, Felix has already shut the door behind him.

Seungmin dives into the box Hyunjin just settled on the floor, acting like Felix didn’t just barge into them in the middle of decorating a Christmas tree.

"So you _did_ invite him over?" Hyunjin speaks up, watching as Seungmin tries to untangle the wires of christmas lights.

"You did say you couldn’t go, so..."

Hyunjin takes the other end of the wire and decides to help him, and the silence between them falls once again.

So Seungmin did invite Felix to help him after Hyunjin rejected him. And if Hyunjin didn’t change his mind, the one doing all these with Seungmin wouldn’t be him.

It would be Felix listening to Seungmin’s outbursts of random melodies. It would be Felix stealing glances at him. It would be Felix lifting stupid boxes for him. It would be Felix watching him smile. It would be Felix hanging ornaments with Seungmin. And it would be Felix spotting the mistletoe under the tree.

And the mf could hang it up somewhere just so he can -

Hyunjin takes heavy steps towards the tree to kick the mistletoe and send it flying across the room.

Seungmin looks at him like he just furiously kicked a mistletoe for no reason.

"What did that poor thing ever do to you?"

Hyunjin sighs and shakes his head, feeling a little embarrassed that Seungmin has seen him take out his rage on a mistletoe. He doesn’t even have a good enough reason to explain why he's getting so worked up. 

"Nothing."

To his relief, Seungmin decides to let it go as he moves to wrap the tree around with the Christmas lights, going in a circle around it once, twice, thrice…

"Seungmin." Hyunjin calls as Seungmin finally bends over to plug in the lights.

"Hmm?"

"Remember that question you asked me when we were at the cafeteria?"

"What question?"

Before Hyunjin could even reply, the room swirls with flashes of green, red, blue, and purple, and Seungmin turns to him with utmost joy in his eyes. Seungmin giggles and comments something about the lights. Hyunjin isn’t really listening. The colors keep flashing on Seungmin’s face and Hyunjin is too busy memorizing every bit of that exact moment in his mind.

Seungmin turns towards the tree and observes it from a close distance. Hyunjin observes him observing the tree from a farther distance. Seungmin scratches the bridge of his nose as he says something along the lines of 'it's really ugly'.

Hyunjin can just feel the words right there, at the tip of his tongue, and Hyunjin swears he was one _Seungmin grin_ away from spilling all his feelings right there.

All he has to do is to say it. Maybe if he says it now, Hyunjin doesn’t have to worry about some other guy trying to take Seungmin away from him ever again. That way, he doesn’t need to kick helpless mistletoes and get so grumpy about them.

But Hyunjin falters, hesitates when Seungmin suddenly calls him an idiot for placing an ornament upside down.

****

What if that's all Hyunjin would ever be to Seungmin? An idiot. His idiot best friend.

****

If Hyunjin speaks now, if Hyunjin _confesses_ now, it's only either going to make it or break _it_.

Hyunjin thinks he couldn’t risk breaking what they already have - the friendship and everything else that they have established ever since. And he's willing to let go of whatever possibility there is if they were ever going to _make it_.

"Hyunjin."

Hyunjin looks up from his shoes when Seungmin calls his name.

"Are you okay?" A deep frown is etched on Seungmin’s face. Hyunjin can’t tell if he's worried or annoyed that Hyunjin has yet again, spaced out.

"Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking."

"Is it about the question you mentioned a while ago?"

"What?"

Seungmin unplugs the lights and the room returns to its incandescent glow illuminated from the ceiling.

"What question was it again?" Seungmin asks as he takes another batch of lights from the box. Hyunjin only scratches his head, hesitating as he watches Seungmin move from one spot on the room to another. 

"The difference between love and in love?"

Seungmin chuckles, and Hyunjin flushes a deep red because he feels like Seungmin is making fun of him for remembering something so corny, and probably also unimportant. 

"That stuck on you, huh?"

"Not really. Just remembered it." Hyunjin lies, and then an idea pops into his mind.

"Actually," Hyunjin continues, his voice gaining the much needed confidence he has been longing for ever since he arrived in Seungmin’s apartment. "I was kinda wondering how you came up with the question."

Seungmin is done replacing the first roll of christmas lights with the second one, and before plugging them in, he shrugs saying, "No reason. It just came to me, I guess."

Hyunjin is in the middle of deciding whether to believe him or not, when Hyunjin’s phone beeps on the shelf by the door, the same shelf where Felix placed the now cold coffees.

Hyunjin heads over immediately, missing the moment when Seungmin parts his mouth to say something, but eventually stops himself when Hyunjin walks away.

There are no new messages on Hyunjin‘s phone and he stays there staring at it rather stupidly for a moment when he notices Seungmin’s phone just beside his, and that is when he realizes that it was Seungmin’s phone that beeped all along.

"Oh Seungmin, it's-"

Seungmin’s phone screen is still flashing the two messages he just received and Hyunjin tries so hard not to look at them. But the messages lay there in all their glory, luring Hyunjin to read what they say.

The texts are from Felix, and as if Hyunjin wasn’t just kicking some mistletoe because of the guy 10 minutes earlier, a smile forms on Hyunjin’s face as he looks down at the phone, his heart soaring.

"What?" Seungmin asks him.

Hyunjin just shakes his head and turns to look at Seungmin, laughing at the way Seungmin’s eyebrows knit adorably into a frown.

"Nothing." Hyunjin tells him, then reaches for the light switch near the shelf. He switches the light off on the ceiling, and they both stare at the tree they both put together.

The new lights around the tree are a whole lot better than the first, flashing a gold color in a slow interval, like eyes blinking slowly.

Seungmin stares at the tree with his back against Hyunjin, and Hyunjin guesses that the boy is also mesmerized by the dancing lights and the glitters. Hyunjin makes his way beside Seungmin, stopping short at where their shoulders touch.

****

"Seungmin."

****

"Hmm?"

****

*

****

_"The difference between love and being in love?"_

****

Seungmin laughed at that moment not because he was making fun of Hyunjin for remembering something so irrelevant and ridiculous from a long time ago.

The laugh that came out of him was more nervous than humorous, and the first thing that popped into his mind was ' _oh shit he remembered that_ '.

Seungmin and Hyunjin were seated across each other at the cafeteria and had only just finished their meals. One of the best things about eating together are the crazy conversations that followed right after.

Seungmin was sharing this story about his 7 yr old cousin during his math exam, when his eyes trailed past Hyunjin’s shoulder, spotting Yang Jeongin with his friends a couple of tables away from them.

"-and my cousin was relying on the multiplication table on his pencil case the whole time-"

****

Seungmin was having the best view of Jeongin’s side profile. It was as if God has put them there for a reason. He had been switching his gaze from Jeongin to Hyunjin’s eyes as he continued with the story.

****

"-but he left 5 x 1 blank. And I asked him, why did you leave it blank Tony it's just 5 x 1, and then-"

****

Jeongin suddenly threw his head back as he started to laugh, the sound ringing in Seungmin’s ears.

Seungmin’s gaze lingered on Jeongin as he finished,

****

"-he said, it's because the multiplication table only had 1x5."

****

Then Seungmin heard another round of laughter, closer and louder, and much _much_ more captivating.

As if only remembering that Hyunjin was there, Seungmin fixed his gaze at his best friend. Seungmin remembers the feeling as if he had just woken up and he was trying to figure out who he was, or who's the chuckling guy with pretty eyes in front of him was.

It's not like Hyunjin’s laughter changed or anything. It was still the same nose crunching, voice cackling kind of laugh, but something about it at that time took Seungmin’s breath away.

Seungmin glanced at Jeongin again, and then back at Hyunjin, noting how both men had been giving him the same kind of feelings but at the same time, it was also very different. And then just like that, everything started to make sense.

****

"Hyunjin, what do you think is the difference between love and being in love?"

****

Seungmin still remembers how Hyunjin’s expression transitioned from smiling, to being confused, and then settling finally into a frown.

Seungmin didn’t ask the question to pry an answer out of him. Seungmin asked it because he was supposed to follow the question with his own answer. Seungmin almost tells Hyunjin - the difference between love and being in love, but decides against it when Hyunjin responds with something silly, and Seungmin shakes his head as he laughs, unable to believe that _this_ is the guy he’s in love with. 

_"Love is when my mom makes me my favorite dish even if I come home with a failing grade, love is when you laugh at my jokes, love is when Yang Jeongin sits beside me in class and I just want to scream for a million years because he smells so damn good._

_And being in love is when you come over immediately after I tell you that I’m sick. And that one time when you stayed up with me all night helping me with my Calc homework. And at this exact moment when you just laughed out loud and it didn’t only make me wanna scream for a million years, it also made me feel some type of way._

_Love is when I start to feel this fuzzy thing in my chest but eventually, it fades away. Being in love is when I feel that same fuzzy feeling but instead of fading away, it lingers. It lingers and it stays. And when I sit here staring at you, realizing that you’re everything being in love ever is, all I could think of is, woah, okay. Okay."_

****

*

****

For the first time since Hyunjin’s first entry on his notebook, he thinks he can actually fill up an entire page now. Maybe even more.

He's over the moon. He feels like he could sing, and he doesn’t even sing. There are a lot of things he wants to write down, a lot of things he wants to tell his mom, his dad, his dog, the cashier guy at the convenience store - anyone , everyone.

Hyunjin just wants to scream.

****

There's also a lot of things he's grateful for, and on top of the list is Lee Felix and that christmas tree.

Because when Hyunjin doubted that it was all going to break it, they made him realize that it wouldn’t. They were his trigger to go for it, and he did. He went for it , and it did nothing but make it.

****

*

**(felix) 8:20pm**

**seungmin, it took us almost half an hour to put that tree together**

****

**(felix) 8:20pm**

**did u really disassemble everything just to do it all again with hyunjin????**

**Author's Note:**

> \- s/o to my brother for his tiny bit of contribution to this story,, you know what it is!!  
> -im still pretty much struggling with my coherence so pls understand if this was a bit of a mess  
> -poem credit goes to the writer,, follow him on ig it's the least u could do: @[mr. poet](https://www.instagram.com/juneeeeeeya/)
> 
> thank you for reading!!


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